Artist Shannon Kringen (shannonkringen) wrote in anotherway,
Artist Shannon Kringen

i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

in case you wanna "listen" to what is going on with my inner self here is my latest:
i wanna let go of trying to PROVE anything to anyone. i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

i am AWAKE to how much of a 'CHAMELEON' i have been in my relationships- bending myself to fit others. does not work. fake. not truth

i see how phony i have been much of my life. the 'real' me only comes out a little here & there. TIME 2 be more honest with Self & others. maybe i am being to HARSH on myself though cuz i see mostly i have HIDDEN my real self and repressed my truth and sometimes yes i have lied to others and also tried to believe my own lies! i thought i "should" be a certain way and tried to force myself to fit into a mold i didn't fit in. i had self doubt and was confused about who i really was...ouch.

i can see why some people have felt so hurt by me and gotten mad at me. i can also see why i feel so miserable at times. makes perfect sense. i now have more compassion for myself AND i also feel i can finally start forgiving in many directions. self forgiveness and ex boyfriend forgiveness, childhood issue forgiveness etc. Self HEALING finally i hope...

i have also been phony when putting up with abuse from others. pretending like i can take it or denying it's even happening to me or blaming myself when OTHERS abuse me. ouch. i know to really love myself is to STAND up for my boundaries and not take shit from others. they have their shit and i have mine. BOUNDARY-SOLID

it's funny that over the last 15 years the people who appreciate my weekly show Goddess KRING tell me they admire me because i am "not worried about what others think" and i "am true to my real self" etc. i suppose on some of my videos and here in live journal i HAVE been almost fully honest about parts of my real self BUT in my personal life not so much. i have all this subtext in my relationships with others and mostly i AVOID being close to people altogether. i have done all kinds of strange passive aggressive things in relationships. very dysfunctional! the person i am most honest with in my personal life is my mom and my therapist and MY CAT! ha.

i think i have this DEEP DEEP shame about so many things. emotional needs, sexual needs, personal freedom needs and i have this very foggy confusion about who the real me is. what does shannon really want? i have shame about my desire for ATTENTION.

i have ex boyfriends in my head telling me what i would guess they think AND i have my parents in my head (not really saying it to me= they only did when i was kid) in my head i think "what would my mom say, what would my dad say...) there is NO ROOM for ME to have a voice.

that explains why i fell SO DEEPLY in love with the first tori amos song i heard called "silent all these years" brought me to tears from the first listen on.

i also see now how much I PROJECT onto others. (i thought it was mostly others projecting onto me. yes that happens...but now i see how much I PROJECT! i have big personal baggage/demons to shed.

i have really only felt like the true me when i am alone mostly! i feel safe to be my real self when ALONE with no one around to judge me.

that explains why i like to videotape myself doing monologues. it frees me up to share myself with others (sad it's not directly- but i feel safer in front of cameras than live people)

i cannot bear to keep myself REPRESSED all the time. i need to COME OUT and express and be real.

i think some of my Goddess Kring videos are the real me FULL OUT bravely and some of my Goddess Kring videos are me being fake/acting wearing different masks of who i WISH I COULD BE or who i think someone else wants me to be or some voice in my head that tells me i "should" be this or that way... and TRYING REAL hard to please others or even to piss others off sometimes! the rebel in me comes out via video sometimes AND the 'obedient' passive one also.

i also feel like my true self when taking photos...

the best "true self" feeling i have had with others is with the lovers i have had in my past where the connection was deep and real and primal and i was able to let go and speak the sensual language with certain people. only a few men i have been lovers with seem to have the "key" to unlock the hidden me...or maybe it was just certain lovers "spoke the same language as me" in bed at least! (painfully, i have made the mistake of also dating people i was not very attracted to and i tried to make it work with them- and it only hurt them and me both when i was dishonest in this way)

i do long to meet someone who i can communicate with as a friend, lover, companion, intellectually stimulating partner, creative partner, sexual partner, all the levels. that would be bliss.

I KNOW that to attract a healthy partner/loverman into my life i need to be healthy too! to "match him". one thing i am talking about with my therapist is "raising my inner child" she says it seems that i GIVE MY INNER child away to my boyfriends and expect the boyfriend to take care of her. only I can take care of my inner child my therapist says. boyfriends can love and care for the adult me- and I need to keep the inner child me safe and happy etc.

there is a book my therapist recommends called "how to be an adult" i will read that. i really do want to heal and grow and keep my child like curiousity and enthusiasm and creative free flow-pippi longstocking self AND also mature and have more "adult" type relationships!

i also feel like my real self when taking care of animals. i connect very well with animals. i have no reason to wear a mask to protect myself! animals don't JUDGE ME and i don't judge them= what a RELIEF.

in person i tend to be quiet, shy, withdrawn, holding back. i even literally feel like i tip toe sometimes to not make too much noise. even when i am figure modeling i feel myself trying to be a good model but not TOO GOOD. like i fear being too 'self indulgent' or on some 'ego/power' trip. i tend to feel like i 'SHRINK' myself assuming it will make others feel better. creepy demon! when i do that it leads me anger at self and jealousy of others who "SHINE" while i dim my light to make room for others. ugh! ...and to make matters MORE COMPLICATED= i also hold myself back for fear of being rejected by others. so i fear BOTH success and failure. DOUBLE BIG OUCH

i need to be FREE of this "script"

i want out of my CAGE!

all this repressing myself leads to PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE behavior. things are bottled up and then pop they come out in others less direct/honest ways. it's me trying to BALANCE MYSELF out but it does harm to myself and others when i am PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. i see this now.

i have been so cruel to myself. so judgmental. i feel like maybe i can finally HEAL NOW. i am learning to "see" my dark side without beating myself up for having it. self compassion is very important.

so, to sum up i am having major insights...and realize i have done many fake things AND many real things and this confuses not only me but other people who don't know what to make of me. judging someone as "all or nothing" is unfair and not based on the true complexity of a human being.

people that know i have been phony have judged me harshly. this has hurt me. i feel like "hey just cuz i screwed up in some ways...dont throw my good parts of me out with the bad". i know if i heal my self doubt and trust that i CAN and MUST be my real self i can have healthy connections with others.

(sad...i hear a train horn in the distance and miss my ex lover from a few years ago. he lives near some train tracks and i loved hearing the trains sounds when in bed with him...but he didn't wanna "be my boyfriend" only my lover and i wanted more than just a lover. sad ending.)

i wanna let go of trying to PROVE anything to anyone. i just want to be REAL and let the chips fall where they may!

i think it's great i am so self aware internally. i just hope i can take ACTION that matches this wisdom and have the guts to live it out loud in my work like, art projects AND personal relationships.

ALSO THANK GODUS i have my spiritual higher awareness more "equanimous" part of myself that sees beyond the "duality" of good/bad us/them me/him child/adult yin/yang right/wrong failure/success happy/sad all those polar opposites go round and round birthing and dying and moving like clouds in the big open sky. so i know we are not the clouds. we are the sky experiencing the clouds. WITNESSING the movement. we can choose what we focus on and what we let go of. i wanna try some new ways of being

Cheers, Shannon Kringen
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